Disaster Down Under

What's going wrong in Australia? Why has a team that is so fancied to be the first Indian team to win a test series in Australia performed so badly? More importantly, why are the fans so upset?

Firstly, let's take a look at why it matters so much to the Indian fan to win a series in Australia. After all, we haven't won a Test series in South Africa either. We've barely managed to win 3 series against England, and one in Pakistan in over 80 years. Why then, Australia?

The English have as fragile a psyche as the Indians. The South Africans are good, but well-known chokers. The New Zealanders haven't ever been strong enough to matter. Pakistan does matter, but that is for different reasons. But the Australians, they're different.

Even the weakest team to represent Australia has never ever abjectly capitulated to any team at home, least of all to India. The Australians, they say, have the never say die spirit. They never give you anything easy, you have to work for it. This isn't talk - you see it time and time again in action. This is what makes it all the more rewarding to win anything in Australia - because nothing comes easily here.

Add a country that loves "mental disintegration", and a country that has a "holier-than-thou" attitude towards racism, and there's a prize, a "revenge" Indian fans want more than anything else. It's not that Australians don't lose, it's that even when they do, they almost never do so without a dogged effort - and that, more than anything, is what Indian fans want most from their own team. Unfortunately, overseas, it is something that we rarely get to see.

This is what hurts the most about the Indian team's performance over the last two and a half tests. We've been through a 4-0 drubbing just a few months back. That hurt, but not as much as this has. The Indian team in England this summer lost - but there was a semblance of a fight. The English rode roughshod over the Indian bowling - but even on the worst days, the Indian bowling, especially Praveen Kumar, ran in with some purpose. The batting was probably just as bad, but you had a Dravid standing tall amidst the ruins. You had someone learning from their mistakes, playing intelligently.

To be fair, the Indian bowling has done quite well so far (except for one innings in Sydney). However, the batting seems to just not seem to learn. The most experienced batsmen (excepting Tendulkar), seem to be repeating the same mistakes ad nauseum. Sehwag will swish and get out. Gambhir will poke & fend. Laxman will give catching practice behind the wicket. This either proves they are unable, or unwilling to learn. Neither of which is acceptable to a fan when you've played over 50 Tests.

There's going to be a lot of angry opinions and suggestions being thrown about right now. Here's my list :

(1) We need to replace Laxman with Rohit Sharma. Laxman's overseas record in the last 7 tests limited to a couple of fifties.
(2) Stick with Virat Kohli - he deserves a chance - he hasn't done badly.
(3) Stick with Dravid - three bad tests cannot mean the end of a career
(4) Stick with Dhoni, but give him a break - he's one of the three best captains India has ever had. Captaining & keeping day in and day out in T20s, ODIs, Tests and the IPL is burning him out. Take him out of all T20 captaincy, and bilateral ODI series in India.
(5) We need a replacement opener for Gambhir. He has grit, but currently does not have the technique to cope with the challenges. This is a long term thing.
(6) We need to do something with Sehwag - but, to be honest, I have no idea what that is.

In 1999, the Indian team capitulated almost just as badly in Australia. The difference between then and now is that we know that we know how to win abroad. Deep down, no Indian fan is asking India to win every game. What we're asking now is the same thing we were asking in 1999 - we want them to show some intent, some purpose - some "never-say-die" spirit. It is unacceptable to see experienced batsmen getting out to an inexperienced bowling attack, no matter how good their line and length may be. The whole point of experience is the ability to play the good ball - either bide your time, or counterattack. This line-up has done neither.

Don't believe those who say there is no shame in getting out to good bowling. For batsmen of this caliber, to do it time and time again, it should feel utterly humiliating.

My PhD thesis : Anatomy of a mailstorm

After spending several Fridays in my clever undercover role as an Indian techie in a ever shrinking large multinational corporation & playing several successful rounds of "delete the email as soon as it appears", I have come to successfully analyse the beast that is the corporate mailstorm.

A Mailstorm is always triggered when some misguided Johnny decides to do one of the following :

a) Helpfully inform a large group of people that a particular piece of equipment that they didn't know existed is now out of commission.

b) Subscribes to Borg thinking - in that the collective brains of many people will help him/her solve an intractable problem, by sending out an SOS.


What results, generally follows the pattern outlined below:

1) The genuinely outraged workaholics
These are the people who, in their effort to continue working productively & stop mailstorms, send mails asking why they are being bombarded with these pointless emails.
"Stop Replying All" & "Why am I subscribed to this group?" are their catchphrases

2) The mail etiquette nannies
As their name suggests, they are the self appointed guardians of mail etiquette. They're generally the next to reply, with the line "I've put the mailer list in Bcc, please reply to this & stop spamming everyone else".


3) The not so genuinely outraged workaholics
These are people who give us proof of existence of Newton's Third Law of Motion. Sensing the danger posed by the nannies to the future of the mailstorm, they immediately reply to the entire group asking the same set of questions as the first group - working hard to make the mailstorm reach its tipping point.


4) The wannabe pro-active
Living proof that "a little learning is a dangerous thing". These folks attempt to circumvent the lunacy filling up their inboxes, by "taking initiative" and unsubscribing from the group. Unfortunately, having only heard about this amazing concept, they attempt to do so by replying to the thread with only the word "unsubscribe" in the body. (And these are the people designing the cutting edge technology of the day)


5) The helpful flamers
These folks are the ones who feel it is their duty to help the poor, misguided souls in (4). They helpfully attempt to point out the proper procedure for unsubscribing from a mailer list (or, alternatively, how it is not possible to do so). Unfortunately for them, for every email they send with this information, you see the next 10 emails with "unsubscribe" in them.


6) The performers
These are the people who know how to take advantage of a good time! While the rest of them try to fight the tide - these folks swim with it, revel in it, and, for a brief period, make themselves stars in the eyes of all those watching.
Nothing is out of bounds for them for this brief attempt at glory & they email with gay abandon, sharing, among other things :
a) Recipes for their favorite foods (I've got a great chocolate cake recipe from a storm 2 years ago)
b) Relevant youtube clips (Monty Python's spam sketch is a popular one)
c) Full page rants against an explicitly named competitor
d) Pieces of wisdom - "Replying All to stop replying all is like having sex to achieve virginity" (gathered from the last mailstorm)


7) The parents
"Fear is the best way to deal with irrationality" is their maxim. In the misguided belief that everyone else is a child of two, they attempt to do with threats what the
mail etiquette nannies could not achieve with kindness. "They're tracking everyone who replies to this thread & those are the folks going in the next layoff" they say, betraying their sharp wit. This would be a credible threat, except when you check your company directory & see that some of the performers listed above are Senior Vice-Presidents.


8) The apologetic/defensive originators
At some point, after about an hour of agonizing over what they've done, you'll sometimes find the person who sent the original email either apologizing for the spam, or defending to the death the need for the mailer thread in the first place.


After this point, the storm goes one of the following ways

a) If the storm originated on a Friday (which, statistically speaking is the day 81% of all mailstorms occur), they die a natural death after lunchtime

b) Some spoilsport admins will take the entire mailer-group offline, stopping the free exchange of knowledge that has been going on.


Numerous studies have shown that a mailstorm is the best way to start unplanned 3 day weekends. In fact, the problems posed by overzealous admins cannot be understated here. It is a little known fact that the reason the unrest in the Middle-East tend to gather steam on Fridays, is due to the interruption of regular afternoon mailstorms.

Schweinsteiger

A Sunday morning, a football match in the offing, and a name that is a delight to pronounce. (Plus some inspiration from Mr. Chuck Norris) Nothing quite captures the title of this blog like this latest post. (What am I talking about?)
Here's the result :

1) the only reason bastian schweinsteiger took up football, is because he kept failing exams as he couldn't finish them in time

2) The real reason germany had to unify, is because the name schweinsteiger was too big to fit in one country

3) bastian schweinsteiger - causing buffer overflows since 1984

4) 1 Schweinsteiger = 10 x tic tic one

5) schweinsteiger lost the use of his hands after he wrote his name, that's why he became a foot-baller

6) two-thirds of the world is covered by water, the rest is covered by the name schweinsteiger

7) schweinsteiger is the only last name that is visible from outer space

8) FIFA have made it illegal for Schweinsteiger to play goalie - apparently, his name is wide enough to cover the full goalmouth

9) How much space does the name Schweinsteiger occupy? Well, the Germans are thinking of going in with a 4-1-5 formation next game

10) The reason the Great Wall of China was built was so that the name Schweinsteiger could be written in Graffiti - once

11) Schweinsteiger does not give autographs - Schweinsteiger gives autobiographies

12) The reason Schwarzzeneggar ran away to California is because it is physically impossible for Schweinsteiger and Schwarzzeneggar to fit in one continent

13) Light can travel around the Earth 7 times in 1 second. Light cannot travel from one end of Schweinsteiger to another

14) Schweinsteiger has officially made a popular Mary Poppins song defunct (courtesy Amrita)

15) In the USA, the 3 second rule is one-mississippi, two-mississippi, three-mississippi. In Germany, the 10 second rule is one-Schweinsteiger

16) Scientists have discovered that the real reason the universe is expanding is not the Big Bang, but to accommodate the name Schweinsteiger

17) Schweinsteiger once decided to get a vanity license plate in his name. Today we call it the "Hollywood" sign

18) Other people have business cards. Schweinsteiger's is called the Encylopaedia Britannica

19) Sony invented the Blu-Ray to accommodate the name Schweinsteiger

20) The English Dictionary is a thousand pages long. The German dictionary has two thousand thanks to Schweinsteiger

21) In normal Football games, officials add injury time. When Schweinsteiger plays, they add Extra-time

22) Schweinsteiger's parents couldn't name his brother because he took up all the letters of the alphabet (courtesy : DK)

23) Bastian Schweinsteiger has the same number of letters as Chuck Norris and Rajnikanth combined

Mergers & Acquisitions

With regards to this blog and this link that have inspired the style and content of this post.



No doubt emboldened by its successful monopolization of England's national game & more recently, the new English invention of the Twenty20, the BCCI has formally dissolved the Sri Lankan Cricket Board & has acquired rights to the national cricket team of Sri Lanka. "It was the next logical step in the expansion of cricket in the subcontinent", a senior board official was quoted as saying.

The decision has evoked sharp criticism in the broader cricketing community.
The association of cricketing statisticians has pointed out numerous problems that will arise as a result of this. "What will happen to the World Cup Semi-Final of 1996? Shall we treat it as a domestic game?", asked an aggrieved statistician.

The BCCI has, as usual, got its publicity machine in full swing, trying to smooth out the problems. "People always want to see the glass as half-empty", he said. "We prefer to see it as though the entire glass belongs to us".

"With this move, India would have 2 world cups under its belt", he pointed out, noting that this was the first time the BCCI would have contributed to an Indian World Cup victory. When someone pointed out that this would also mean that India would have lost the last 2 world cup finals to Australia, he responded by saying that appropriate action would be taken against those selectors, before realizing that they had already resigned a few months ago. A positive point, he said, would be that embarrassing selections of the past would be erased from memory. "We still can't figure out why Sunil Joshi or Noel David were picked. Thankfully, now, we won't have to", he said.

The government of India has also followed the lead of the cricket board & has suspended the Independence granted by the UK to Sri Lanka & amalgamated it into the Indian Union. "This was long overdue (sic.) geo-political move", a senior government official announced. "Since we all lie on the same tectonic plate, it is logical for us to unite", said the official, showing-off his knowledge of continental drift theory.

"The Sri Lankans have also shown an inability to govern themselves in areas where we are proficient. Had they been a part of us, then they too would have not toured Pakistan like us & not tossed cricket into turmoil. That was the last straw!", the official lamented.


The senior government official continued, "Now, since the conflict on the island is an internal matter, we can ask the news agencies to stop interfering in it. Also, we can grant statehood to the rebels without granting them nationhood, thus finding the middle path between the solutions posed by the rebels & the erstwhile government of Sri Lanka. Hence, we have also solved that conflict!",he triumphantly announced.

Not everyone was happy, though. Political parties in the state of Tamil Nadu have gone on hunger strike to protest the fact that now they have nothing to go on hunger strike against.

Nostalgia

Today, as I was sitting around, surfing youtube, suddenly I felt a wave of nostalgia wash over me. It kind of started when I saw this montage after ages :


Television was so simple back then - pretty much everyone you knew watched the same programs, parents analysed the same newscasters, no matter how robotic the drone on the television was. The morning programs consisted of people doing exercise - which meant a sardarji in a grey jogging suit & some aunty in a blue jogging suit doing cross-toe touching(not exactly "Primebodies", but definitely interesting).

If you missed an episode of any TV serial - that was it, you'd missed it for pretty much forever. (I still remember a time when there was a minor hysteria when Doordarshan decided to retelecast an episode of Mahabharat on Tuesday - people could not believe that if they'd missed the Sunday episode, they could watch it again!!). "Aamchi Maati, Aamchi Manasa" was *the* program. (It had a pretty catchy theme song!)

The rainy season meant one thing to me - Wimbledon! Thanks to my dad, I was infused with this absolute sense of devotion/fascination/reverence toward Wimbledon. Nothing was more fun than coming home from school on a dark, rainy afternoon, and watching the semi-finals of Wimbledon in near darkness. Somehow, Prime Sports' (now Star Sports) full blown, overanalysed 2 week coverage never came close to DD's "Semi-Finals and Finals only" coverage.

And then you had those magical "National Integration" videos. This one took me ages to find :


Some of the shots are still pretty spectacular - especially the one with the deer leaping with P.T. Usha running. I remember my mom would always go a little weak at the knees when Venkat took the torch ;). For some reason, it always seems to me that Prakash Padukone looks like he got lost with the torch at the end.


And then there were the classic ads - the Liril girl, "Hamara Bajaj", "Pan Pasand", "Fevicol", "Vicco turmeric" & Rasna. And who can forget this all time classic :


Nor this piece - a brilliant ad!



And then there was cricket. One day cricket was easy enough to understand, but test cricket, with its concept of two innings was a deep, dark mystery. I recall being stumped as to what a victory by "an innings" meant. Upon consultation with an older friend (who went for "cricket coaching", and, therefore was wise in the ways of the game), I was informed that an "innings" consisted of 40 runs. Therefore, "an innings an 132 runs" victory margin meant a 172 run victory margin. Why then did they not call it a "four innings and 12 run" victory? I couldn't get an answer to that.

My earliest memories are of the succession of heartbreaking matches of the 1992 World Cup. Not the best way for a young kid to be indoctrinated into the nation's favorite passion. But the white ball zinging around, the crack of the bat on the ball, the colored uniforms & the athletic fielding combined with a scoreboard that counted runs in real time & a duck that appeared occasionally made the viewing irresistable.

It was probably around this time that we were introduced to Sachin Tendulkar. Not knowing much about cricket, one just assumed that this guy had pretty much being playing since time immemorial, the way people talked about him. The feeling of a nation holding its collective breath everytime he strode out to the crease was something that has to be experienced to be believed. Fortunately or unfortunately, the feeling ain't the same these days (Wow, I must be getting old!)

But, perhaps what I miss the most on TV is the ubiquitous, ever annoying yet much parodied : Rukawat ke liye khed hai. Wish I could find a video of that!

I'm back, Jack!

Why is it that people who couldn't care less about voting in a country where they can make a difference, are so politically involved in one where they can't?

That's the thought that came to my mind when I saw a lot of people around me encouraging people to vote for the US election today. Now, let me clarify that I am not saying that these people didn't vote in their native countries. I, personally have not voted in my native country. It was just a greater question in my mind.

Why is it that people who may not vote in India, will be politically involved in the US? I don't know if I have the answers, but I do have some thoughts on it.
Every politician is a scoundrel. (Yes, I am a cynic)It is a lot easier, however, to be swayed by a scoundrel wearing a business suit & talking in a language you understand about issues which you are familiar with, rather than a candidate who wears a "loincloth" and screams in an uncouth manner in a language you may not be familiar with about issues you don't care about. Sure, charisma palys a huge part, but it stems from what I said above.

There is, however, a bigger question at hand. The question pertains to the participation in the political process of a country where one does not have the right to vote. Is this correct?

Let us consider this - if a large enough immigrant community comes into a country (legally) to seek a living (e.g. - on a work visa) & then participates and influences the political process in that country. Potentially, this has an impact on the fundamental right to choose, of the bonafide citizens of that country. The question is a simple one - act towards others the way you would want them to act towards you. If you are legally in a nation where you do not have a right to vote, you are essentially a guest there. If you attempt to influence the political process there, aren't you essentially overstepping your limits? That is why I disagree with the right of people who cannot vote in a country to attempt to influence the political process there.


Edited to add :
Never finished this blog in the first shot (that's what I get for blogging while watching TV). I just wanted to add - By the same token that a non-citizen should never attempt to influence the political process of a country, once you are a citizen of any country, you should have all the rights, unquestioned, of a "natural" citizen. This includes the right to being Prime Minister/President, whether or not you were born in that country.

Secondly, if you work and pay taxes in any country, but are not a citizen, you should not have the right to directly influence the political process (e.g. - by taking out protest marches/delegations to meet government executives). You should only be able to indirectly make your stand felt. (Through your employer if you are working somewhere, or through your embassy etc. in other cases)

A dash of class

For ages, this blog has not been taken seriously by it's readers. It has been a place for mirth and enjoyment, but not the place one goes to when you need to read something serious and awe-inspiring. Today, we shall attempt to change that with this. For those interested in the original pdf of the above images, please leave a comment here and I shall make sure it reaches you. (Click on each image above for enlarged version)